「交流坊」是一個開放給所有網友的園地。您所提供的寶貴的經驗、意見、想法，將與我們共同編織這個園地。我們歡迎所有對於教會禮儀有興趣、有經驗的朋友，提供資料﹙以及相關照片）給我們這個園地，好讓大家在網上交換意見，彼此鼓勵與學習。　郵寄的方式一律採用電子郵件方式，我們的電子郵件信箱是：lc@mail.fju.edu.tw 。謝謝！　　

掏空自己 返老還童 登峰聖山

單國璽樞機

　　耶穌會在培育自己的會士以及聖職人員方面素負盛名。藉著聖依納爵的神操和經驗豐富的神師，不但給受培育者奠下堅強的神修基礎，而且在服裝儀容以及待人接物處世的禮儀和態度等細節都非常注意。加入耶穌會將近70年，聖依納爵神修的大原則和精神以及待人接物和處世的禮儀態度等細節已漸漸和我的日常生活整合，並且已漸漸形成一種意識：自己既是會士又是聖職人員，對外則代表耶穌會和教會，對內則負有牧靈及領導教友福傳的責任。靈修培育、品格修養、責任感、榮譽意識、學問的追求、做事的認真、重視效率等，甚至整個人生的目的，按照聖依納爵的原則，都是為「愈顯主榮」和「拯救更多人靈」。這些都是「愈顯主榮」和使人接近天主的工具及墊腳石。但是脆弱的人性有時讓人忘記真正目的，而將達成目的工具當作目的追求，以增加自己的聲譽、權威，受到別人的敬重。如果這樣質變，這些工具不但不能引人達到「愈顯主榮」目的，而且變成了接近天主以及和十字架上「掏空自己」的耶穌結合為一的絆腳石。

　　 加入耶穌會將近70年，每日祈禱、行神業，尤其晉鐸後，每日舉行感恩祭，感覺和天主相當接近。但是和胸膛被長槍打開，「掏空自己」（斐理伯書第2章第7節），赤身露體，一絲不掛地懸在十字上垂死的耶穌，卻有一段距離。我只能站在距離祂三個台階的地方，哀傷地觀望祂，卻無法上到山頂祂的十字架傍陪伴祂。在日常祈禱中，尤其在每年的避靜中，多次反省檢討。但是找不出真正的原因。感謝天主給我一個好機會。最近一個月，因治療宿疾，必須住院。住院期間有充足時間祈禱和反省上述問題。在祈禱時，「掏空自己」、胸膛敞開，一絲不掛，赤身露體懸在十字架上垂死耶穌的形像時常出現。同時也有聲音說：「掏空自己，就能登上加爾瓦略山頂，和掏空自己的耶穌接近，並且和祂共融結合為一。」

　　 上述的異象和聲音使我恍然大悟：原來我穿戴的服飾太多太重；耶穌會先賢所創造的偉業和榮譽、聖職人員的道袍、主教的權戒高冠、樞機的紅袍禮服等，將我整個人包裝得一層又一層，以致使我失去了原形。並且這些服飾已和我的日常生活整合，將其脫去，談何容易。人做不到的，天主做得到。最後只有求天主伸出強有力的援手為我脫下這些沈重的服飾。天主略施小技，和我開了幾個玩笑，捉弄我一下，讓我出了幾次醜，就把我的問題徹底解決了。前三次醜事記憶猶新，分別記述如下。

　　 6月底，因肺部積水住進高雄聖功醫院。次日，醫生讓我吃了一種強烈的利尿劑，以便將肺部積水排出。我毫不知情，否則我可以換一下做彌撒的時間。正在舉行聖祭時藥性發作。開始我強忍，讀經後褲子已尿溼一半，不得不去洗手間，去時地板上也撒滿尿水。這是晉鐸57年來，在舉行彌撒時第1次發生這樣的糗事，使我的尊嚴和顏面盡失，在修女和醫護人員面前，真感到無地自容。這是天主治療我虛榮心的開始。

　　 第2次出醜是由高雄轉到台北耕莘醫院後發生的。因為兩天沒有大便，醫生讓我吃一些瀉藥。當天半夜，藥性發作，便叫醒熟睡中的男看護攙扶我去入廁。剛進入化粧室，還未到馬桶前，糞便不自禁地撒在地板上。男看護不小心踏上一堆糞便。半醒的他滿腹不高興，一邊用水沖自己的拖鞋和地板上的糞便，一邊嘟嚷了許多我聽不懂的話。最後他將我弄髒的睡衣脫下，讓我赤裸裸地坐在馬桶上，用水沖洗我兩腿上的糞便，同時如同大人訓斥小孩子一樣，教訓我這個九旬老翁：「離馬桶兩三步，你都忍不住！給我添這麼多麻煩！以後再有同樣情況，要早一點告訴我，幫你早一點下床入廁！……」這時我感覺自己好似剛滿週歲的小孩子，無言以對。他的每句話猶如利刃，將我90年養成的自尊、維護的榮譽、頭銜、地位、權威、尊嚴等一層層地剝掉了。清洗完備，他攙扶我躺在床上之後，他自己很快呼呼入睡。我卻非常清醒，有脫胎換骨的輕鬆感。現在胸腔被打開，「被掏空」、赤裸裸懸在十字架上的耶穌又在我腦海中出現，向我微笑，示意和祂接近。我這時感覺自己身輕猶如一隻小袋鼠，一躍便跳到聖山頂十字架下。再一躍，兩隻前掌已爬到耶穌雙足上。這時仰首看到耶穌還在微笑，並將肋膀聖傷打開，示意叫我跳進去。小袋鼠再一跳，便進入了耶穌洞開的心房中，猶如回到母袋中一樣。感覺在這裏最安全，最溫暖，完全被耶穌的無限大愛所包圍，感到無限的滿足與幸福。這時，我的理智雖然清醒，但是我也分不清自己是在祈禱或是在做夢。次日早晨那位男看護還是畢恭畢敬地照顧我，好似不知夜間那件不愉快的事。感謝天主利用那位男看護不但治癒了我心靈的宿疾，使我煥然一新，恢復了兒童的純樸、天真、謙卑……，而且也治療了從小養成的羞怯，絕對不要人看到自己赤身一絲不掛。自從那夜被脫去睡衣沖洗糞便以來，這種羞怯已完全消失。現在我纔真正了解耶穌所說的：「你們若不變成如同小孩子一樣，你們決不能進入天國」（《瑪竇福音》第18章第3節）的意義。

　　 第3次出醜是兩個星期前。那時我剛住進耶穌會的頤福園內。因為腳水腫，早飯後，醫護人員在我不知情下，讓我吃一種強烈的排尿劑。但是那一天上午9時30分我必須去耕莘醫院接受放射性治療。一個排尿器具都沒有準備。在去醫院的途中藥性發作，強忍了10分鐘，但終於不能再忍下去，便尿溼了半條褲子和輪椅上的坐墊。到了醫院後又要排隊入廁時，又有尿液排出，褲子更溼。就這樣上了腫瘤科放射台，醫護和技術人員看得很清楚，這時的我，連最後的一點尊嚴也喪失了。

　　 其實九旬病翁一生所累積的榮譽、頭銜、地位、權威、尊重、敬愛等，對於牧靈、福傳、拯救人靈、愈顯主榮，雖然有了不少助益，但是有時，至少在下意識裡，讓他自滿，洋洋得意，有時甚至成了他追求的目標。如此，這些「愈顯主榮」的墊腳石，反而成了他親近「掏空自己」一絲不掛懸在十字架之耶穌的絆腳石。

　　 感謝仁慈天父用大能強力的手，將我從靈修途中的泥淖中拉出，並將絆腳石為我變成墊腳石。感謝「掏空自己」的天主聖子收納我，容許我和祂親密接近結合，甚至讓我猶如小袋鼠一樣，隨時可以鑽入祂肋膀的聖傷內。感謝天主聖神用強烈的勁風，摧枯拉朽，將我這棵老樹枯枝上所留下幾片阻礙我和「掏空自己」之殘葉吹得淨盡，連從小養成的羞怯及矜持自尊的性格也吹得無踪無影，使我煥然一新，返老還童。

　　 上述的親身經驗，使我領悟到靈修生活中三項重要事實：（一）如願和「掏空自己」或「使自己空虛」”HE EMPTIED HIMSELF”（《斐理伯書》第2章第7節），一絲不掛，懸在十字架上的耶穌親密接近，結合為一，就必須仰賴天主助佑先「掏空自己」。（二）慈愛的天主有時也給人開玩笑，讓人出幾次醜，就能治癒心靈的宿疾，清除靈修途中的障礙及絆腳石，甚至改變人自小養成不利靈修的積習。（三）返老還童，讓身患絕症的九旬老翁，在數天內回歸兒童時的純樸天真無邪，掃除多年積累不利靈修的習性。這事「為人是不可能的，但為天主一切都是可能的」（《瑪竇福音》第19章第26節）。耶穌所說的：「你們若不變成如同小孩子一樣，你們決不能進入天國」（《瑪竇福音》第18章第3節），確實是靈修生活不可或缺的一個重要條件。

2012年7月31日 聖依納爵慶節 完稿於頤福園
（轉載自：天主教周報，202期，6版，2012年8月19日）

Emptying myself to get close to Jesus, by Cardinal Paul Shan Kuo-hsi
Posted by Paddy MacLachlan

Cardinal Paul Shan Kuo-hsi of Taiwan died on August 22. A few weeks before his death, he wrote this account of how his illness was a gift from God. This is an excerpt from the original text in Chinese, published in the August 19 issue of the Taipei Archdiocese’s Catholic Weekly.

Having been in the Society of Jesus for nearly 70 years, Ignatian spiritual exercise has become part of my daily life.

Spiritual formation, personal conduct, responsibility, a sense of honor, the pursuit of knowledge, being serious at work and the importance of efficiency have all been, according to Ignatian principles, “ad majorem Dei gloriam” – tools and stepping stones to get closer to God.

But our fragile humanity always makes us forget our true purpose, to concentrate on increasing our reputation and authority, on gaining people’s respect. When that happens, those tools not only fail to help people but become an obstacle for us to be in communion with Jesus on the cross.

Through daily prayers, spiritual exercise and the Mass, I feel close to God. But when it comes to Jesus, whose chest was pierced by a lance, who “emptied himself” (Philippians 2:7) and hanged on the cross without a piece of cloth, I feel there is still a distance between us. I have reflected on this many times but could not find out why.

In recent months, I was hospitalized to have my chronic illness treated. I had time to pray and reflect in hospital. When I prayed, the image of a dying Jesus appeared frequently. At the same time, a voice said “Empty yourself, and you can climb up to the peak of Mount Golgotha to stay close with Jesus who emptied himself, to unite with Him in communion.”

The vision enlightened me: I realized that what I have been wearing was too much and too heavy: the clergyman’s alb, the bishop’s ring and mitre, the cardinal’s scarlet cassock; all these were nothing but extra layers of packing; they made me lose my original being.

Yet these clothes have been integrated into my daily life; it is not easy to throw them off. But what men cannot accomplish, God can. So God played some tricks on me, which embarrassed me on several occasions but ultimately solved my problems.

At the end of June, I was hospitalized with pleural effusion. I was prescribed with a strong diuretic to expel the fluid in my lungs – but I wasn’t told about it. The medication took effect during Mass. By the time I got to the readings, I had to go to the toilet. On the way, I wet myself so badly my urine left a trail on the floor.

Since my ordination 57 years ago, that had never happened during Mass. I lost my dignity. I felt I had no place to hide in front of the nuns, doctors and nurses. This is how God started to cure my vanity.

A while later, in Taipei, I could not defecate for two days so the doctor gave me some laxatives. They started to work around midnight. I woke up the male nurse to help me get to the washroom. Before we got all the way, my bowels emptied; the faeces dropped out of me, fell to the floor and the nurse stepped in them. He was not happy. While he washed his slippers and the floor, he muttered words that I could not understand. He then took off my soiled pajamas, sat me on the toilet bowl naked and, while he washed the shit off my legs, scolded me like an adult scolds a child.

“Just two or three steps from the toilet and you couldn’t hold on. It gives me so much trouble. You have to tell me earlier next time,” he said.

I felt like a one-year-old kid. Every sentence was like a sharp knife, cutting away all the esteem, honor, titles, status, authority and dignity of my past 90 years. After cleaning me up, he laid me on my bed and quickly went back to sleep.

I slept too but was then awakened, feeling very relaxed. The image of Jesus, who “was emptied,” appeared again. This time he was smiling at me, inviting me to get closer to Him.
I felt my body as light as a little kangaroo. I jumped once and reached the top of the holy mount, under the cross. I jumped again and reached Jesus’ feet. I looked up and saw Jesus was still smiling. He opened His wounds and asked me to jump in. The little kangaroo jumped again and got into the heart of Jesus. It felt like returning to the womb.

“This is the safest and warmest place,” I felt, “surrounded by the unlimited love of Jesus.”
The nurse took care of me respectfully the next morning as if he had forgotten what had happened. I thanked God for curing my spiritual illness, which made me refreshed, simple and humble as a child. That was the moment when I truly understand the words: “Unless you change and become like little children you will never enter the kingdom of Heaven.”(Matthew 18:3).

The third embarrassing occasion took place two weeks ago. I had just moved to the Jesuit’s Infirmary. As I had edema in my feet, the doctors prescribed a strong diuretic, again without informing me. The medication took effect on my way to radiotherapy. The medical staff and technicians could clearly see that my pants were completely soaked. At that moment, I lost the last single drop of dignity.

These experiences made me realize two important spiritual facts:
One: If you want to get close to Jesus, you must depend on God’s assistance to empty yourself.

Two: When our loving God plays tricks on us, making us embarrassed, chronic problems of our heart and mind can be healed; obstacles on our spiritual path will be removed.

That embarrassment brought rejuvenation to a nonagenarian suffering from terminal illness.In just days, it took him back to the innocence he had in his childhood and expelled unhelpful habits that had accumulated for years.

“For God everything is possible.” (Matthew 19:26)

Paul Shan Kuo-hsi
July 31, 2012
Feast of St. Ignatius Loyola